I had such high hopes for this year. I feel as though big, amazing, wonderful things are going to happen and I was so positive about it all....
...but I have spent the last four weeks in quite a funk indeed! To put it plainly, I feel as though I have done the complete opposite of what I had intended to do (as far as my own personal growth) with the start of this fresh, new year.
It all really comes down to the fact that my husband injured his back at work just days before Christmas and the day before he was due back at work after the holidays, it went downhill again - just when it seemed he was almost recovered. In simple terms, he has a bulged disc which is pushing itself into his spinal cord, pressing on nerves and so forth - he has been in agonising pain for weeks.
It's been four weeks of stress, little to no sleep and sheer exhaustion for the both of us. And what really dismays me (apart from the torment of seeing my husband in so much agony) is how I have handled the situation and myself. I have not really coped in the way I think I should have. *smh*
I guess largely due to the no sleep factor, I have been wound so tight which shortened my fuse like you wouldn't believe. And then there were the times I simply shut down - I didn't want to know about any of it and it was an effort to even talk some days...even to my husband, who has been in the worst pain of his life!
Don't get me wrong though, I did everything a wife should do - I drove hubby to his doctors/therapists/scan appointments, administered painkillers crazy hours of the night, put his socks on (which is gross because I hate feet, lol!), massaged him and whatever else he needed. It was my reactions and general demeanour I just didn't get right.
In all honesty, I feel I have disgraced myself quite spectacularly - and all that time I just won't get back to do it again properly in the way I should have. I can see so clearly that I have such a long, long way to go in this life still - and it might sound completely absurd, but at 32 years of age I already feel as though time is ticking away. And by that I refer to the time I need in order to "get it right" in this lifetime.
So I have been faced with a challenging situation in which I failed horribly (and the worst part is that hubby felt bad for me even with all that he was going through!). I guess all I can really do now is take the lessons I have learned from my failed performance of the last month and use them to help me transform myself into the person I want to be. The person I know I can be. The soul I know I am - deep down in there somewhere.
Love, light, blessings and fairy magic xo <---And with any luck, I will find some of this very soon!!!
Bad Stacey :(
23/01/2012 Labels: challenges, christmas, disappointment, life lessons, negativity, personal growth
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5 comments:
Awww I'm sorry that the year didn't end well or that the new one isn't going that well :/ YOU are a great person and you shouldnt think other wise. We do the best we can with the life we are given and I think you are doing a great job :) Keep your head up things will get better. <3
You may not see it but the path the universe has set for you is still quite straight. It has taught you so much in such a short space in time. You still are the soul you know you are without blemish. All your imperfections over the last month have shown through sure, but for where you are in your stage of life experience I know (and so does your hubby) that you handled it wonderfully well. When you get my age you'll look back and be proud of how you handled life now, and what it puts up as a test. Well done Stacy. Ian is a lucky man and I know he's proud of how you handled it. Take care of yourself too! A x
Claudia, your blind faith in me is so touching - thank you my love xo
"Anonymous" - I feel like I should know who you are, but I'm struggling to figure it out, lol! I have my suspicions though... ;) In any case, thank you for your words. As hard as it is to accept the positivity directed towards me in this instance, I will do so graciously.
I do know in my heart that I am essentially a good person, but I can't be as perfect as I would like...although if I were perfect I guess I wouldn't learn the lessons I came here to learn...
:)
Anyway, enough rambling - thanks to the both of you xo
per·fect
[adj., n. pur-fikt; v. per-fekt] Show IPA
adjective
1.
conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type: a perfect sphere; a perfect wife.
4.
entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings: a perfect apple; the perfect crime.
5.
accurate, exact, or correct in every detail: a perfect copy.
Your struggle for perfection is going to be one hell of a ride. I cannot begin to understand why you push yourself so hard. You are the most beautiful person i know (inside and out. It is good to acknowledge your mistakes, but your behaviour above is not a mistake. You cannot call emotions mistakes. The way you handled it is certainly understandable. (males make horrible sick people, not excuse i know.) You have proved a normal reaction to high and constant stress levels, which is now chronic stress.(look up chronic stress and how it affects people). Dealing with that is extremely hard. Hang in there kiddo. you have acknowledged something you see as a weakness and which we normal people see as - well not many even see their own behaviours. I believe you have started 2012 perfectly- you say you wanted to start out with big amazing things- well what you have described above and your reactions and acknowledgement are pretty bloody big and amazing things. I look forward to hearing of more amazing and wonderful things from you. You inspire me woman. xxx
Thank you "Gypsy" (and I definitely know who YOU are, lol!).
I had a chat with Ian about how I have been feeling and his response shocked me. He was so happy and appreciative of the way I have been looking after and helping him through all of this - he said he couldn't have asked for anything better! Goes to show you were right - I was being hard on myself, although my original opinion still sticks...I know I could have been even better, but for now I will stop punishing myself over it.
I appreciate you and your thoughts on the subject, so thanks again. Much love xoxo
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